Reasoning is a tricky thing.

You’ve always been hotheaded. It would take so little to set you off. You would start fuming over the tiniest of things—and then you would talk yourself out of your anger.

You’ve always been pretty good at reasoning with people: talking others into -and talking yourself out of- things.

I like to think that it’s because at some point you came to realize that you get disproportionately upset alarmingly fast…

What worries me, what I fear, is the notion that this has become a habit for you: getting super angry, and then cooling down & seemingly forgetting about it.

I’m just hoping that at some point you’ll realize that you really don’t need to talk yourself out of everything.

Sometimes—so very rarely, in fact—your anger is actually justified.

And talking yourself out of it is not the best decision.

.

But I’m not going to tell you that. I really hope you figure it out for yourself.

I don’t understand why you can’t just let go. When there is virtually nothing left to save, what is the point in trying?

Perhaps I’m too cavalier. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I wish you wouldn’t keep me hanging for too long.

As is usually the case, my mind gets away from me, and I start to think horrible things. I assume the worst, and I can’t even remember to hope for the best.

I wish you’d just tell me how you feel.

I wish I could just ask. Because I know you probably have no idea what I’m worrying about—what I’m itching to know.

If only I could bring myself to ask…

Given my susceptibility to sudden & seemingly unprovoked mood swings, I should probably try harder to look normal. To look happy. “Okay.”

I guess it’s a fact of life that as you get older, you start disagreeing with your friends more and more.

You grow older—you grow apart. It seems inevitable.

But change is supposed to be good. People have to change. And it would be naive to expect to change in the same way, to go in the same direction…

I can’t help but think that maybe it’s necessary to grow apart. Survival of the fittest, so to speak. It should be fine as long as some survive…

Or are we supposed to adapt?

Given the futility of the attempt, I think I will chalk this one up to my compulsion to spend money.

Spend… Waste… The line that separates the two becomes especially fuzzy when it comes to money.

.

I think I will forget about this now. Yes. It never happened. I expect nothing, for I have done nothing… Sleep now.

Lately, whatever I do, I end up thinking I’ve made the wrong decision and I feel like I’ve missed out on something.

Every time.

I can never tell if that feeling is justified. I never know for sure if I have indeed made the wrong decision or that if I had made the right one, I would not miss out…

Whatever you choose to do, you miss out on something. No?

.

“Well, I’d like to have the option,” is something I used to say quite often. Too often, perhaps, for it has come to bite me in the ass…

I hate options.

No Habrá Nadie En El Mundo by Concha Buika.

It’s from her album “Niña de Fuego.” Highly recommended… It’s amazing.

Well, she’s amazing. She somehow makes me remember things that haven’t actually happened—if that makes sense at all. She can change my mood in an instant. The feelings, the false “memories” that feel so real… It’s exquisite.

I can’t think of explaining it any other way.

I just don’t have the words.

Great men will write great poems & prose about love, passion, dedication, torment—all of those feelings that inevitably accompany love…
And I will sit here, and read them… and wish that someone would write that about me.
I will keep hoping that there is a man out there who will feel such intense emotions about me.

I think about this a lot. And every time that I do, I think about a passage in Wuthering Heights—something Heathcliff said:

Yet I was a fool to fancy for a moment that she valued Edgar Linton’s attachment more than mine – If he loved with all the powers of his puny being, he couldn’t love as much in eighty years, as I could in a day. And Catherine has a heart as deep as I have; the sea could be as readily contained in that horse-trough, as her whole affection be monopolized by him – Tush! He is scarcely a degree dearer to her than her dog, or her horse – It is not in him to be loved like me, how can she love in him what he has not?

I know that I have an unlimited capacity for love. I’m capable of loving someone with my entire being—inconvenient, consuming, can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, can’t-live-without-each-other kind of love.

But maybe what I have to face is that it’s just not in me to be loved like that…

Your jokes are not nearly as funny as you think they are.

In fact, I don’t think they even qualify as jokes. They’re just sad projections of your enlarged ego.

However, a faint smile does play across my lips when I realize that you think you’re funny. You and your misguided assumptions are so wildly -albeit sadly- funny…

lifeisliketrex:

Oh, nothing. JUST SOMETHING REALLY COOL OUTSIDE OF A BUILDING IN PHILLY.

Zenos Frudakis - Freedom

(Source: oilzzz)

I wish for a lot of things. Unlikely things. I wish for them, knowing that they won’t come true.
But every once in a while, against all odds, one of them does.

And then I start thinking that if I wish hard enough, the other -relatively unlikelier- wishes will come true as well. I know that it’s incredibly naive of me, but I can’t help it. I’m basically a little kid… Probably because I don’t learn from my previous experiences. I seem to make the same mistake over and over again.

Well, anyway, the point is that in the end, the other wishes don’t come true. And then I’m disappointed because I made myself believe. I get my hopes up too quickly.*

So that’s my problem with having a wish realized. It’s always the same story: transient happiness, followed by bitter disappointment.

Because I never learn.

*Yeah, I know I just told you that in my last post. I didn’t realize that this is where I was headed when I started writing this.

Being creative and imaginative are generally regarded as good qualities, right?

As children, we were encouraged to let our imaginations roam free…

…

Yeah, that didn’t work out very well for me.

My imagination gets away from me. Takes on a life of its own. I have no control over it. Add to that my tendency to believe in things that cannot -will not- ever be and you’ve got yourself a killer combo. And by killer, I mean causing death or destruction. I’m convinced that my imagination will be my downfall. I’ll go crazy. Batsh*t insane.

I have to learn to control it. I have to learn to stop daydreaming.

“Black” by Pearl Jam. Lyrics by Eddie Vedder. Music by Stone Gossard.

For as long as I can remember, this has been my favorite song. Back then, I couldn’t fully understand the lyrics, but I loved the music and I loved the way Eddie sang.
Then I learned what the lyrics meant and fell in love with the song all over again. The music & lyrics together… It’s explosive. To me, this song is the very definition of hauntingly beautiful.

I resent Eddie for this. He wrote an amazing song about someone he loved, and he sang it so beautifully that it just breaks my heart every time I listen to it. This performance -from MTV Unplugged back in March 1992- is the best live performance of any song that I’ve ever seen in my life. I don’t even care about the fact that he messes up the lyrics at some point. It doesn’t matter. It’s the feeling you get from him that matters: that violent, presumably uncontrollable & unintended shaking; the expression on his face; the way he sings “We belong together,” over and over again… You can feel his pain and longing, and I think it’s amazing to be able to convey that kind of emotion so strongly through a song.

I resent him; because he made me believe that it’s possible for a man to love a woman so wholly and so passionately that he can write a song like this, and sing it like he’s reliving it and feeling every single word that comes out of his mouth.

“I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life; I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky—but why can’t it be mine?”

If it’s possible to be loved like this, how can I settle for anything less?